Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
My bed smells like the plague
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
