apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i love accidental penises.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
