Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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