I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
