Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
