You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
