last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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