Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
