nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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