You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
