I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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