Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
