i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
