I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
