I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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