Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
