genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
My breasts were aching with rage.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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