i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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