So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
