Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
