I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
