Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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