You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
