i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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