Is it because I queefed?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
