omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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