there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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