apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
In other news, I just burned my penis
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
