Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
