I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
