Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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