well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
