I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
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