She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
