They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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