Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
