How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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