i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
