i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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