the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
