1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
How's work?
Spinning.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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