no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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