You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
