I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
