i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
