My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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