dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
