My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
