just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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