Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
