I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
