either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
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